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Alrighty, you asked for it!!! Nobody told me to NOT post it, so I'm gonna post it! BE VERY AFRAID!!!

This is a long one! I don't own ANY of these characters. I am borrowing characters from Jonny Quest: The Real Adventures and from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. This a spin-off of Monty Python and the Holy Grail, and this piece is in no way affiliated with the BBC or any of the members of the Python gang. Hanna-Barbera has not approved this monstrosity that I am about to write, or are they in any way affiliated with this piece. Neither is the BBC, or Monty Python. Any similarities of these characters, living or dead (I don't know WHO these characters could ever resemble!!!) is purely coincidental.

This IS a spoof! This is not meant to be taken seriously. Beware of bad puns and terrible jokes!! Even though this is a clean 'fic, there maybe some parts unsuitable for younger audiences. Watch out for violence, merciless torture to animals, and the occasional naughty word!

by Cricket, notorious quoter of Python

      The sounds of horses hooves drifted across the lush hills of the country side of Naughtyham, England. It was a miserable, cloudy day, and the sky threatened to rain.
      Over the hill, the head of King Jonnyeth could be seen bouncing up and down to the rhythmic clip-clopping of a horses' hooves... But, alas, as he topped the hill, King Jonnyeth rode atop only a tattered, wooden broom stick, his faithful servant Madge Hadji busily clanging two halves of a dead kangaroo's skull together, giving the allure of horses hooves.
      King Jonnyeth raised a steady hand and pulled his broom stick to a halt, Madge Hadji clanging the kangaroo skulls together to a stop. The two travelers glanced above them. A huge castle rose loominly to the cloudy sky as the most-triumphant music began to play.
      "Hello!!" King Jonnyeth called up to the tall tower before him. "YO! Isa nyone up-eth there?"
      A ragged head popped over the tower. "What'd ya want? I was getting a pedicure!!"
      "Sorry to interrupt, but could you implore your lord to allow me and my companion to stay the day in his castle? My companion and I have ridden since two hours ago and our horses are tired. We have rode across musty swamps, through dense jungles and over parched deserts to..."
      "Through WHAT??? You gotta be some escaped convict from the loonie bin! This is England!! We're a Temperate Zone! There ain't no deserts or jungles here! And what's this about horses! Here! You're bangin' two parts of a kangaroo's skull together!! Where'd you get those??"
      "Um, we found them."
      "Found them? Kangaroos live in the Southern Hemisphere!"
      "It could have came here to die!" King Jonnyeth tried to explain.
      "Are you suggesting that kangaroo's migrate?"
      "It could have hopped an early airline flight," Madge Hadji suggested.
      "... or drifted here on the sea currents."
      " ... or boarded a luxury ocean cruise and ... "
      "SHUT UP!! Get the crap outta here before I sick my Wilderbeast on you!!!"
      "But wilderbeast are African ...."
      "I DON'T BLOODY CARE!!" Get offa my property before I call the Russian Mafia!!!"
      King Jonnyeth despaired. "Come Madge, we shall continue."
      King Jonnyeth stuck his tongue out at the keeper of the castle and gave him a big, fat raspberry. PPPPPTTTSSSTTT!!!!

      "A WITCH!!!!"
      Peasants littered the streets as a small group tugged along at a girl with red hair, a tall pointy hat, a carrot for a nose and terrible green face paint.
      Sir Thinksalot stood atop his platform, devising the Theory of Relativity when the peasants thrust the red-haired witch at him. "We've found a witch ... may we burn her?"
      Sir Thinksalot stared over his notebook. "You've found a what?"
      "A WITCH!!!" they all cheered. "Let's have a barbecue!!!"
      "How do you know she's a witch?" Sir Thinksalot inquired.
      The peasants were all dumbfound... looking around at each other for suggestions.
      "She made my husband sing like Elvis!"
      "She ate the last of my chocolate-covered field mice!"
      "She turned me into a street mime!!!!!"
The entire town got quiet and stared bewildered at the man who gave the comment.
      "A Street Mime?" Sir Thinksalot inquired.
      "Um ... I got better," he finished feebly.
      Sir Thinksalot face-faulted. "What else do we barbecue, apart from witches?"
      "Federal buildings!"
      "Buckets of water!"
      "Dead leaves!!"
      Sir Thinksalot smiled. "Yes, we also burn dead leaves. Now ... what do deadleaves to in water?"
      "What is... THEY FLOAT!!" the villagers all congradulated each other on managing to answer in the form of a question.
      "And what else floats in water?"
      "Sub-machine gun's!"
      "Vacuum cleaners!"
      "Pieces of silverware!!!"
      "Microwave ovens!!"
      The villagers continued sounding off objects as Sir Thinksalot's headache became worse.
      "A DUCK!"
      Everyone turned to see King Jonnyeth ride up on his trusty broomstick and clammer to a halt. "A duck also floats in water," he said royally.
      "YES! Finally some intelligence!" Sir Thinksalot turned to the villagers. "So, if she floats in water like a duck ... "
      "Then ... she's made of leaves!" a peasant yelled.
      "And since we can barbecue leaves ... " Sir Thinksalot paused, expecting ananswer. "Then she's a ... "
      " A WITCH!!!!" they all cheered!! The villagers hoisted the red-headed witch and began toating her off to ahuge Hibachi grill just around the corner.
      Sir Thinksalot marveled at the intelligence King Jonnyeth displayed. "Who are you that you are so wise in the ways of things?"
      "I am King Jonnyeth. I am seeking brave knights to aid me in my quest for the Holly Grail."
      "MY LIEGE!!!!" Sir Thinksalot graciously kissed King Jonnyeth's outstretched hand.
      And so, Sir Thinksalot joined King Jonnyeth and his quest for the Holy Grail. And joining them, was Sir Race-bob, the gallant... and Sir Surd, the handicapped ... and Sir Benton, the not-so gallant as sir Race-bob; Who nearly fought the vicious Cow of Dairy... who almost stood up to the fearsome Rabbit of Sunshine Valley... and who personally lost all bladder control at the Battle of Really-tall Hill.

      The five knights rode well into the afternoon, each mounted atop their own glorious broom stick, until they came to yet another castle.
      "HELLO!!!" King Jonnyeth called.
      "Hello!" Called someone down.
      "We seek valiant knights who will aid us in our quest for the Holy Grail. Go and tell your master that King Jonnyeth is here."
      "Um, I can tell him ... but I doubt he'll want to come. Y'see... he's already got a Grail!"
      "ALREADY GOT ONE!!!"
      The guard turned to his buddies and laughed. "I told them we already got one!" They all laughed.
      "Are you sure?" King Jonnyeth called.
      "Oh yes!" The guard yelled down. "Makes a nice paper weight."
      "Well, may we see it?" King Jonnyeth asked.
      "NO! Now go away, you no-brained pickers of other peoples noses!"
      "EXCUSE ME??"
      "I Flash my bottom at you silly American-types!! Your sister's cousin's best friend's room mate was a three-toed sloth and your toesies reek like rotting water fowl!"
      "I DEMAND that you show me the Grail!" King Jonnyeth boomed.
      "No chance, moldy bread-brains! I waft my bodily odors in your general direction, and call your fathers in return silly things having to do with large aquatic life!"
      The guard looked back to his buddies. "Fetch the giant pig!"
      King Jonnyeth dismounted his broom stick. "In the name of God, I DEMAND to be let into this sacred castle!"
      Overhead, a HUGE, pink pig flew from the castle walls, arcing through the airwith an ear-splitting squeal."
      "RUN AWAY!!!" Madge Hadji yelled.
      The knights all mounted their broomsticks and scattered. The pig hit the earth in a great big SPLAT, sending a large rumble through the ground. The Knights were fleeing, each running off in a different direction.
      They were separated into three groups... Sir Thinksalot and King Jonnyeth headed through the deep forests in search of a wise man to lead them to the Grail... Sir Surd and Sir Race-bob sought out a village that sold real horses, and not just broom sticks and kangaroo skulls. And Sir Benton the not-so-brave and his minstrels found themselves in an eerie forest, his minstrels singing away merrily. (Sorry, I love these songs)
      He is brave Sir Benton, Brave Sir Benton yes he is.
      He was not at all afraid, Oh, brave Sir Benton!
      He was not at all afraid to maimed and bruised and beat.
      Brave, brave, brave, Brave Sir Benton

      He was not at all afraid to be crunched into a glob
      Or to have his eyes gouged out, or his knee-caps battered
      He was not afraid to be mutilated, NO!
      Brave, brave, brave, Brave Sir Benton...

      and his brains squeezed out... and his ear drums blown...
      and his liver removed... and his bowels unplugged...
      "THAT'S ENOUGH!!!" Sir Benton squeaked, turning chickenly yellow.
      "HALT!!" Boomed a voice. The minstrels and Sir Benton looked up to see a four-headed taxi driver, foaming at the mouth. "NONE SHALL PASS ALIVE!!" and he brandished a vicious Klingon battle axe.
      "RUN AWAY!!!" Sir Benton yelled, and turned tail and ran.

      King Jonnyeth and Sir Thinksalot sat in the make-shift tent across the fire from an old, white haired man. It was the wandering wizard ... Merlin Rage. Merlin Rage cackled evilly. "You wish to find the Important Cup Thingy? BWAHAHAH!!!"
      "Yes," said King Jonnyeth proudly. "Tells us how we may find it!"
      "The Book of Rage sayeth that you must seek out the enchanter that lives beyond the Woods of The Really Scary Name."
      "And the enchanter knows where we may find the Important Cup-Thingy?"
      "Yes ... but first, you must cross the Bridge of Certain Peril!!! BWAHAHAHAH!!!"
      And Merlin Rage disappeared.

      Sir Benton's minstrels skipped merrily behind him as the music struck up.
      Brave Sir Benton ran away.
      Bravely ran away -AWAY!
      When danger reared it's ugly head, Sir Benton bravely turned and fled,
      Brave, brave brave, Brave Sir Benton ...
      "I did NOT run away!" Sir Benton protested, but the minstrels sang on.
      Brave Sir Benton chickened out
      Bravely chickened out - and out!
      When trouble brewed in the forest deep, Sir Benton was as brave as sheep
      Sir Benton bravely turned about I guarantee, he chickened out ...
      "Quit it NOW!!!"
      ... his tail tucked in and his fastest feet...
      he swiftly planed a brave retreat
      "SHUT UP!!!" Sir Benton steamed.
      "What ho!!!" cried a minstrel. "Look! 'Tis King Jonnyeth!!!"
      Sir Benton and King Jonnyeth met halfway, joined by Sir Thinksalot... and soon Sir Race-bob and Sir Surd the Handicapped puttered into the gathering.
      "Ahh ... we're together again!" King Jonnyeth sighed.
      The company all turned around to see several great, towering black knights standing among the trees.
      "Who are you!!" Sir Race-bob demanded. "We are the Knights who say... POO!!!" All around them, little voices popped up, all chiming 'poo'
      "THE HORROR!!!" Sir Surd wept. "The Knights of Poo ... those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale!"
      "POO!!!" "AHHHH!!!" screamed sir Jonnyeth. "Please! What is it you want, oh Knightsof Poo? We will do anything!"
      "We are the Knights who say ... POO!!! We demand you bring us what we desire!"
      "What is it you desire, oh Knights of Poo?"
      "Poo!! We want .... " the lead knight paused and looked around, "... a yardgnome!!!!!"
      "A yard gnome?"
      "YES!! POO!! And after you have brought us the yard gnome, you will dig up the largest shrubbery in the forest with .... A TOOTHPICK!!"
      "No way!!" boomed King Jonnyeth. "We will not stoop to those levels!"
      "Then you leave me no choice! Fetch ... the comfy chair!!!"
      "NOOOOOOO!!! NOT THE COMFY CHAIR!!" they all yelled.
      "No one's ever survived such a monstrosity!!"
      One of the Knights of Poo grabbed King Jonnyeth and strapped him into the big, lush, reclining comfy chair. "You will stay there until noon tomorrow, with only a cup of coffee in the morning and a slice of cheese cake before bed until you agree to bring us our yard gnome!"
      "NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! King Jonnyeth bellowed.
      " 'Tis too gruesome to watch!!"
      "Talk, King Jonnyeth!!" The Knights of Poo demanded.
      "Very well ... POO! We have ways of making you talk. Knights! Stab him with .... THE FLUFFY FEATHER BOA!!!!"
      The Knights brought out a horrid, magenta feather boa and began to poke and stab at King Jonnyeth. He screamed in torture.
      "We must do something!!!" Sir Surd cried.
      "There's only one thing that can bring the Knights of Poo to their knees," Sir Thinksalot said.
      "TELL US!!!" "It's horrid ... we must all .... sing Kumbayah!" "No humiliation is too great to save our noble King Jonnyeth," Sir Surd said. "Do we gotta save him?" Sir Race-bob inquired. Kumbayah, oh Knights of Poo .... Kumbayah. "AAAHHHH!!!!" the Knights of Poo began to scream, releasing the wickedmagenta fluffy feather boa from Jonnyeth's head and facial regions. "Stop it! The torture!!"Kumbayah, oh Knights of Poo ...Kumbayah. "I'M MELTING!! I'M MELTING!!" they all yelled. "QUICK!! While they're down!! We must save King Jonnyeth from the wrath ofthe Comfy Chair!!!" Sir Benton and Sir Surd quickly untied King Jonnyeth from the Comfy Chair. "RUN AWAY!! RAN WAY!!!" King Jonnyeth ordered. And so King Jonnyeth and the knights all ran through the Wood of the ReallyScary Name. They ran through the spring and into the summer, until .......FINALLY.... ... The reached the mountains where they would find the enchanter who wouldshow them the way to the Important Cup-Thingy King Jonnyeth and his companions slid to a halt, each bumping into the backsof the person in front of them. Before them, a tall mountain range rose to the skies ... and from one of its peaks, towering bellows of smoke would occasionally pop into view in a burst of a fiery explosion. "LOOK!!" yelled Sir Race-bob, pointing to the mountain tops. "It must be the enchanter Merlin Rage told us about in part 2," SirThinksalot said. The company climbed the mountain quickly, watching as the bellows of smokeand the sounds of explosions grew closer. Once at the top, the company found themselves watching a tall, bald manthrowing nuclear chickens, atomic pies and the occasional parachuting cow atthe nearby mountain peak. "Um ... hello?" said Madge Hadji. "WHAT!!!" The bald man turned around, rabid squirrel in hand. "Excuse us," King Jonnyeth said. "We are in search of the enchanter thatlives in these mountains. Would that be you?" The bald man thought a moment, launching the rabid squirrel at anothermountain peak. It exploded on the cliff side in a huge ball of smoke and fire. "I am that enchanter whom you seek...... Zin the Enchanter!" He pulled out the Cricket Industries ki-powered nuclearchicken launcher. "You seek the Important Cup Thingy, do you not?" "Yes, we do. You are wise in all knowledge. Do you know where we may findthe Important Cup Thingy?" Zin the Enchanter turned the chicken launcher toward a nearby mountain peakand fire off a round. "Yes ... I can help you find the Important Cup Thingy. To the north, there is bridge, guarded by the most retched, horrid beast, that no man alive has come back alive from there!" "Can you show us this bridge, oh wise Zin the Enchanter?" Zin the Enchanter lead King Jonnyeth and his group of knights through themountains until they came to a hanging bridge crossing a shallow gorge. Zin the Enchanter motioned them to hide behind a rock. They all peaked out from behind the rock. "Okay," said Sir Surd the Handicapped. "So where is this ferocious creature?"
      "THERE!!!!" Zin the Enchanter yelled, pointing.
      Before them across the bridge scurried a little brown, furry hamster. It paused at the end of the bridge and sat back on its hide feet, sniffing the air.
      "Isn't it ferocious?" Zin the Enchanter said, cowering behind the rock.       "What?" Sir Race-bob said. "Behind the hamster?"
      "NO! It IS the hamster!!"
      "You twit!!" Sir Benton yelled. "I soiled my armor, I was so scared!!"
      "But he's got big, pointy .... well,he's got huge ... Well ... LOOK AT THE BONES,MAN!!!"
      "You're a loonie!" King Jonnyeth said. "Sir Surd. Get the hamster."
      "Yes, King Jonnyeth." Sir Surd puttered the wheelchair out from behind the rock, sword in hand and began to approach the hamster. Suddenly, the hamster leapt, grasping on to Sir Surd's face, biting his headoff... literally.
      "SEE!!" Zin the Enchanter yelled. "I Warned you! But would you listen tome? NOOO!"
      "Oh SHUT UP!!" King Jonnyeth yelled. "Sir Race-bob! You keep the hamster busy so Sir Thinksalot and I can cross the bridge!"
      "I shall not fail you, King Jonnyeth!" Sir Race-bob stepped out to the bridge and began a sword battle with the vicious hamster, driving it back from the bridge.
      King Jonnyeth and Sir Thinksalot slipped across the bridge and ran off into the fields beyond. And just over the horizon, a castle began to pop up, a huge beacon in the shape of the Important Cup Thingy shone brightly over it. "There it is!!" shouted King Jonnyeth.
      As the two neared the castle, a familiar head popped up over the towers. "Hallo!!" He waved.
      "Cripes!! It's that idiot from part 1!!" King Jonnyeth yelled.
      "So, it seems we out-smart you American-types again! Begone! Or I shall taunt you a second time, you empty-headed, blue bottomed, food trough wipers!"
      "NOW SEE HERE!!" King Jonnyeth yelled. "We have been given a sacred quest to seek the Important Cup Thingy that is found in this castle! I DEMAND you let us in!"
      "Go and boil your noses, you silly king who has the brain of a wart hog, you know. I unclog my pores at you and request that you sing me love ballads."
      "In the name of all that lives, you will let us into this castle! We haveridden the lengths of the land ... "
      "I don't care! Go and stuff yourselves like roast pigs and blow your noses with sand paper!! I clear my throat at you ... you bunch of bleach-headed pantie wastes!! Now go away, before I am forced to insult you again!!"
      "We will NOT go away until you allow us passage into this sacred castle!" yelled King Jonnyeth.
      "Very well!! I warned you, you bunch of second-rate doggie bag-lickers!" The man disappeared from behind the towers. And suddenly, a giant, wooden pretzel came flying from the towers, squishing both King Jonnyeth and Sir Thinksalot, thus ending this ridiculous story.
      And so ends this utterly insane piece of fan-dom ... mostly because I couldn't figure out a good way to end it!

      Comments of all types are readily excepted. Praise will be appreciated, flames will be considered ... rabid vermin will be deleted.

1997 by Jiminy Cricket Presses

No part of this piece may be copied re-distributed in any way. I give my fellow Questors permission to post this on their JQ pages if they really want to, as long as my disclaimer stays attached to the beginning of Part 1.

Cricket - Programming Director, Editor-in-Chief PAIN TV